Here We Begin
Spring arrived early this year with a piercing presence. After being united by my blues, I seek advice from an earlier version of myself in attempt to find balance between the past and present. I suppose I have been existing between the two, learning to understand my now. Several months have passed since my passage into New York. Eight challenging yet euphonic months of reformation and mourning of former mes and former yous. I’ve cradled prudence in my arms, my composure hanging by the thinnest of threads. It isn’t until now have I been able to properly grieve departed moments.
I’ve been told to march on and to abandon my hesitancy out the window. Taught not to dwell upon losses. That places are places – but that wasn’t true. Places are not just places; places are my keepsakes. San Francisco had been my second upbringing, as Antibes became my harbor, while New York has strangely become my solitude. Each transition into the next more abrupt than the former. Little time to say my goodbyes, little time to understand the whos, the whats and the wheres. I don’t believe I truly do leave these places.
I carry on to the second act with remorse on my face. The music begins and I have no choice but to keep walking. Fingers crossed I can tread carefully. My days are filled with small talk and cheap wine, kindred spirits and writing at Central Park. I enjoy taking photographs of myself for I fear one day I will forget who he is. Is this pain through vanity? Why am I so afraid to move on? Nicolas told me, “life is a beautiful and frightful thing to go through.” There are days I feel inexplicably content. There are moments I feel pinches of blue. There are occasions I am approached by both as one.
To my surprise, my performance has met its end. I look into the audience to find a dark room filled with former versions of myself, all applauding with pride and prejudice. After remembering who I am, at this precise minute, I leave my miraculously dimming stage and join the crowd. I take my seat with humility. Dignity to my left, curiosity to my right. We wait patiently for the next act to begin. No one is quite sure who the approaching personage is, but now he will look towards me for comfort, just as I always have in him.
