The First Impression
Video recorded and edited by Laura Odermatt.
I reached out to about 15 men that I’ve dated or had gone on a first date with in New York. My curiosity led me to request a brutally honest first impression. 10 responded - out of those participants, 2 denied my request, 8 agreed, and I happily collected feedback from 5.
During my first year of reestablishing myself into the dating pool I conducted a lot of research. Figuring out what I was looking for, trying to understand what failed in my previous relationship, and how to go about finding an ideal partner - whatever that meant.
This, naturally, was followed by trial, error, and tribulation. I was not prepared to reenter dating, nonetheless in New York, where I had heard a myriad of horror stories.
When N and I broke up, I felt small. The opposite of desired and I needed to fix this. As quickly as I could. I had discovered that after 2 short weeks following our breakup, N had already been seeing other people. We had dated for nearly 3 years and I was in the process of mourning - I had absolutely no intention of rebounding, not until this was brought to my attention. And unfortunately, I can be quite competitive. By no means was I ready to begin dating again, but I felt as if I was being left behind. So, I jumped right in.
My initial hypothesis: If I dated an immeasurable amount of men, then I would likely increase my desirability. (I know what you may be thinking. How naïve could he be? Well, that limit does not exist. Although in my humble defense, the person who I had thought was the love of my life had just ripped the rug underneath our feet and I panicked. Completely.)
That being said, I wanted to treat my dating ritual as an experiment. If I had to agree to meet men all over Manhattan, I might as well create a bit of excitement. I began forming and manipulating different characters that I could play as. At times I would be more aloof, more reserved, trying to exude a small sense of mystery. Other times I would attempt to be more revealing, more emotional, more manic and flirtatious.
From the data I’ve gathered, I had a better understanding of my success rates, whether that be a second date, a kiss, or a night of ____. I’ll let you fill in the blanks. I’ve come to understand a little more of what men liked from me, what was expected from me - and again this is based on my personal rates and responses. I had to show excitement, but not too much (to avoid being perceived as too eager), I had to exude a sense of pride, but I couldn’t be too proud as that would be labeled as pretentious, I had to prove I was capable of loyalty but respectful of non-monogamy. A lot of walking contradictions here.
I also noticed that my introductory appearance would determine the amount of intimacy I would receive. Dressing more formally, perhaps with a button-up, would result in more reserved behavior; less physical contact, more business. Opposingly, showing more skin and dressed in more promiscuous outfits seemed to be an open invite for touching and sexual encounters. Perhaps this is more of an obvious observation.
I started to pick up momentum as a few months passed, agreeing to these first dates on what seemed to be a weekly basis. Throughout these nights, N’s exit lines kept echoing in my mind, “you were the perfect boyfriend, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Interesting - so if I was such a perfect partner, why would N leave me? In retrospect, I probably should have seeked therapy at this point. Instead, I adopted a dog.
I grew strangely fascinated with how I could be perceived as a partner in a romantic setting. The research had to continue, I simply needed more information. How did men see me? Was I too overbearing? Too emotional? Too loud? Too quiet? Was I interesting enough? All of these questions inspired me to take my experiment further. How often can we be honest with one-night stands, passionate flings, or new friends?
So I asked a few questions and hoped for the best. I encouraged each contributor to be as critical as possible. I wanted to feel uncomfortable, to hear the truth and nothing but the truth. I’ve always assumed there must have been unfavorables feelings since none of these encounters transformed into committed relations. And I felt ready to hear it all.
We are often our own harshest critics and I am no exception. I was expecting worse feedback than I received, but to my surprise the responses I gathered were intimate and tender. Although I wasn’t able to share every first impression, a recurring theme I’ve been told was my initial reservation during the beginning of the date. I’d like to think I am self-aware of this. Isn’t it quite natural to be cautious at first glance?
Just as any experiment, I aimed to either support or contradict the questions I was seeking answers to. In this case I was left surprised to hear that I am not as terrible as I had thought I was. Of course there are certain limitations that could be relevant in interpreting all of these results. For one, the men who agreed to share their responses are those who I am now friends with. Those who did not participate may have had more adverse notes - I wish I could have heard more of those.
If you received a phone call from desire, would you answer?
